BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full. “I’ve nearly maxed out the aches and pains in his stomach and pumped out a ton of sweat on his brow, but he just keeps on shoveling down waffle fries,” reported Dugan’s body, adding that it had already tried some nausea, abdominal bloating, and a bout of acid reflux, none of which had slowed Dugan’s consumption in the slightest. “I’m pretty much out of options at this point. Short of physically locking his jaw shut, I don’t know what else can be done.” At press time, the man’s body was briefly contemplating giving him a heart attack.

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