ELMHURST, IL—Furrowing his brow and nodding along to his wife’s pricing and location concerns Tuesday, local man Grant Foster’s sole contribution to the search for a new home has reportedly been to periodically tell his wife he wishes he knew how to help. “I’m sorry, hon, it sounds like there aren’t a ton of options available in the neighborhoods we had our eye on—I wish there were some way I could help you out,” said Foster, shaking his head and, for the fifth time in as many days, declaring what a shame it was that he couldn’t be of any assistance while his wife jotted down a list of local school district ratings and proximities to their respective workplaces. “I hate to see you stressed out by such a big project. Plus, you have to get this house ready for sale at the same time you’re looking at all these new places. Wish there was something I could do.” At press time, Foster reportedly patted his wife twice on the shoulder as she hunched back over her laptop with nine open tabs of realty listings, their bank statements, and a calculator.
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