SALEM, OR—Stricken to the point of stupefaction, local man Sam Parkins reportedly short-circuited Wednesday after a cashier handed him his change, bag, and receipt all at the same time. Sources confirmed that Parkins appeared unable to process the simultaneous actions associated with putting away his various items, leading to him completely shut down. Parkins, who reportedly attempted to place his change in his mouth and his bag in his pocket, briefly shuddered before seizing up entirely. At press time, a panicked Parkins had dropped everything and sprinted out of the store.