HARTFORD, CT—Following months of hesitantly tiptoeing around the matter, sources confirmed that local claims adjuster Jeff Sterling today finally “cut the shit” and demanded to know just how many siblings his coworker David Mobley has. “All right, we’re doing this now—you will tell me,” Sterling said after cornering Mobley in the breakroom and demanding to know the number, approximate age, and gender of Mobley’s as-yet-undefined brothers and sisters, emphasizing that “[he was] through fucking around.” “Just give it to me straight and we’ll be done with this. How many siblings do you have? Tell me. Now. Go.” Mobley responded that he has an older sister, two younger brothers, and an older half-brother from his father’s first marriage.
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