Man Thanks God He's Not Sexually Attracted To Children

Farlow, 31, says he's "incredibly happy" not to have been born with some weird, innate urge to have sex with children.
Farlow, 31, says he's "incredibly happy" not to have been born with some weird, innate urge to have sex with children.

TAMPA, FL—Saying his life would be much harder and more complex if it were the case, local accountant Jonathon Farlow, 31, took a private moment Wednesday to thank God he isn't sexually attracted to children.


"I really lucked out there," Farlow told reporters, expressing relief that when he notices a child, all he sees is a young person and not someone he feels compelled to prey upon sexually. "Can you imagine being one of these people who wants to have sex with little kids? Living on a day-to-day basis with an erotic desire you know would be absolutely monstrous to act upon? It would be awful."

"Christ, what if I'd been born like that?" continued Farlow, thankful that—through what was essentially the flip of a coin in his DNA—he managed to grow up with healthy sexual tendencies. "Who knows? One weird gene from my mom or dad and my brain could have been wired in a completely different way and I'd be some sick individual who gets turned on by children."

Following his initial feeling of relief, Farlow reportedly spent the next several moments shuddering at the possibility of going through every single day of his life fighting abnormal sexual urges that, if left unchecked, would result in years in prison and the loss of every shred of respect from his family, friends, and community.

Moreover, Farlow told reporters he was taken aback by how many aspects of his life would be drastically different if he'd been born with pedophilic impulses.

"I can walk past a playground full of kids with no problems whatsoever," Farlow said. "I don't feel any sort of urge to go over and talk to them, and to be honest, I don't really think about them at all. I just keep going with my day."

Added Farlow, "Thank fucking Christ for that."

According to Farlow, though he has several psychological tendencies he's not proud of, such as a constant need to feel in control and an inability to express himself emotionally at times, he is grateful that none of his mental inclinations will ever include wanting to have a romantic relationship with a child.


In addition, Farlow went on to express his utmost thanks that he is free to someday have children of his own without ever having to worry about having some sort of secret, nagging desire to inappropriately touch one of them or one of their friends.

"What if, when I high-fived my nephew, I was aroused by that?" Farlow said. "What if that was the type of person I was? People who are like that don't want to be that way, but they can't help it."


"Look, I don't feel sorry for pedophiles," he continued, "not in the least. But feeling as if you are always one moment of weakness away from ruining some poor kid's life forever because of a sick impulse you can't even control? I'm really glad I don't have to live like that."