NEW YORK—Waiting expectantly for his friends to shower him in admiration, local man Eric Banks reportedly thought his guests would be more impressed with the fact that he got his couch for free, apartment sources confirmed Monday. “I told them I got it off the street, and they just kind of nodded and started talking about something else,” said a dejected Banks, who had planned on fielding at least a dozen follow-up questions about where and how he secured such a fantastic couch completely free of charge, and had even kept smelling salts on hand in the event a guest should become so overwhelmed by his good fortune that they immediately fainted. “I expected to be met with complete shock, maybe even a ‘no way’ or two. At least feign some happiness for me, that I found a really great couch—with only a few stains, which don’t look like anything too gross—for literally zero dollars. They didn’t even want to hear about how it didn’t have any bedbugs, or how the former owner threw in this free broken lamp. They must be jealous or something.” At press time, Banks was reportedly struggling to fill the 10 minutes he had set aside to receive a standing ovation.
We may earn a commission from links on this page.