WESTERVILLE, OH—Saying he would always wish he could have been in two places at once on Jan. 6, 2021, local man Dennis Karpinsky told reporters Tuesday he was ultimately grateful he chose to go to his high school friend Henry Hardwick’s wedding instead of the Capitol riot. “At first, when I saw how much fun people had ransacking the halls of Congress and threatening to kill the vice president, I was upset I didn’t go to D.C., but upon further reflection, attending Henry’s wedding that day was the right move,” said Karpinsky, explaining that while participating in the historic effort to overturn the results of a free and fair election would have been “amazing,” he could hardly regret his decision to be there for his friend as he exchanged vows with his fiancée. “Still, when my kids are a little older, they’re going to ask where I was on Jan. 6, and I know they’ll be disappointed when I tell them I chose a wedding over preventing the peaceful transition of power and attempting to murder everyone in Congress. Henry and Katie’s special day only comes once, though, and I’m sure there’ll be plenty more opportunities to participate in a bloody, lethal riot at the U.S. Capitol.” At press time, sources confirmed Karpinsky had been convicted and sentenced to 20 years in prison for acts he committed at his friend’s wedding.
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