NEW YORK—Marketing strategist Garrett Brooks, who reportedly cried himself to sleep Sunday while thinking about how much of his life he’s wasted and how he continues to contribute nothing of any value to society, has some great ideas for growing his company’s brand across multiple platforms, sources confirmed. “If we can utilize Twitter and Facebook to integrate our brand with other established players, we stand to boost our profile in all the key demographics,” said the 33-year-old Brooks, who last night lay in bed staring at the ceiling, tears dripping down his face as he realized the thing he puts so much effort into is so vacuous and void of meaning that his younger self would be disgusted by his pursuit of an occupation that ultimately doesn’t need to exist. “Fruit Stripe gum and Vans Shoes have already expressed interest, and the overall sense is that they get our unique voice. Now, if we can get the biggest fish on board, our visibility will shoot through the roof. That’s right, I’m talking Burger King. And I have a contact there.” Following the brief staff meeting, Brooks returned to his office, shut the door, and stared at the wall for 45 minutes.
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