ODESSA, TX—Shocked by the stranger on his doorstep purporting to share an intimate connection with him, local 63-year-old Mark Sanderson, who donated sperm on numerous occasions 25 years ago, was reportedly visited Thursday by a young man claiming to be the guy who drank all his sperm. “I know this may be a little overwhelming, especially since your donations to the sperm bank were supposed to be anonymous, but I just had to meet the man responsible for all that semen I swallowed,” said Nick Hinsdale, explaining how years earlier he had purchased several vials of sperm from a fertility clinic and consumed it for his own gratification. “As I was lapping up the last few drops, I started to have questions, like, where did all this jizz come from? I decided to save just enough sperm for a DNA test, sent the results to one of those genealogy websites, and last week I finally got a match. My God, I’ve been waiting for this day for so long! I realize it may take some time to process all this, but there’s actually a pretty big group of us all over the country who have drunk your sperm and stay in touch on Facebook. I have so many questions for you, starting with whether you’d mind if I slurped down some more of your cum.” At press time, sources reported that Sanderson had called the police.