BALTIMORE—Reeling from the overwhelming sensation that he was about to die, local man David McNeil reportedly explained Tuesday that he would honestly rather keep having a panic attack than do some stupid little counting bullshit. “I know that doing it would distract me to calm me down mentally, but God, that counting and breathing shit is just so idiotic,” said McNeil, allowing his vision to continue tunneling as he hyperventilated due to his parasympathetic nervous system being convinced he was drowning. “Look, if I have to be doubled over struggling to breathe, that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t need to name the things I can see in this room, what am I, in fucking kindergarten? I’d rather just keep feeling intense feelings of terror than compromise who I am.” Several reports indicated that McNeil continued panicking for hours until the moment he finally decided to count to three.
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The Sun: You Don’t Want To Be Around When This Thing Blows Up