AMES, IA—Recklessly squandering his emotions without any regard for the future, local manly man Greg Humboldt reportedly exhausted a whole year’s worth of feelings during a single viewing of the 1993 film Rudy Friday. “Yes, Rudy! I’m so proud of you!” said a teary-eyed Humboldt, who had reportedly already burned through nearly all his available reserves of sadness, pity, and unbridled joy by the time the stadium groundskeeper had convinced Rudy never to give up on his dream. “He did it, goddammit. It’s all he ever wanted to do, and he did it. They can’t stand in a man’s way like that, not when he has so much determination in his heart. Oh, Rudy!” At press time, sources confirmed Humboldt was reading a detailed exposé on puppy mills and experiencing no emotions whatsoever.

Brought to you by Wild Turkey