HONOLULU—Noting that the cephalopod’s natural problem-solving abilities had far surpassed their expectations, marine biologists at the University of Hawaii reported Friday that they had trained a highly intelligent octopus to profitably manage a mid-sized aluminum goods supplier. “We knew our subject had a high IQ, but we had no idea he’d be hitting such ambitious revenue targets in year one given the international commodities market,” said lead researcher Maureen Kahale, adding that the octopus—known as Ziggy—had been observed administering payroll and tracking inventory across complex global supply chains. “Ziggy has proved himself incredibly adept at finding pain points throughout the customer journey and resolving them in ways that are ‘value added’ for both our company and our clients. He also possesses rare leadership qualities and acts as a mentor to everyone from the first-year analysts to the managing partners. In short, he makes this a fun place to work. Plus, he can type on eight computers at once.” Noting the time, Kahale then asked reporters if she could be excused as she was already running late for a dinner Ziggy had organized to celebrate a big sale.

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