MENLO PARK, CA—Following a systems issue that saw the company’s websites and apps go down worldwide for hours, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg vowed Tuesday that the employees responsible for the outage will be bullied to suicide. “We take these kinds of disruptions seriously, and rest assured we will do everything in our power to viciously berate any personnel involved in this outage about their sexual orientation, intelligence, and appearance until they’re driven to take their own lives,” said Zuckerberg, adding that company executives had already begun a preliminary investigation into several potential culprits and the kinds of attacks on their personality, family, and beliefs that would most efficiently drive them to despair and suicidal ideation. “At this point, we’re still narrowing down which of the fat shitheads who work for us did this, but rest assured that those stupid assholes will never, ever know peace. As part of any potential disciplinary action, we’re also going to dox those sluts and cucks responsible by publishing their names, addresses, and personal information, so that every Facebook user will be able to take out their frustrations on them as well. We understand the scale of the disruption has caused a lot of difficulties for businesses and users who depend on Facebook around the globe, so we’re doing everything we can to ensure those idiotic employees responsible stick a gun in their mouths and blow their brains out.” At press time, Zuckerberg added that until the personnel responsible for the outage came forward, executives would send every single Facebook employee hourly messages pretending to be their dead relatives taunting them that they didn’t deserve to live.