BATTLE CREEK, MI—Recent reports surfacing from within the Kellogg’s corporation suggest that the baked goods company’s marketing department labors under the apparent belief that the Keebler Elves are a beloved fixture in American popular culture. “Look, America loves, has always loved, and will always love Ernie Keebler, Fryer Tuck, Zoot, and the rest of the Keebler Elves, and so we have a responsibility—and I believe it is a sacred responsibility—to create marketing materials that appropriately honor and respect these deeply cherished characters,” said Kellogg’s Senior Vice President of Customer Marketing Darcey Macken, adding that for over 45 years the characters have been a mainstay of the American experience, as recognized and as treasured nationwide as apple pie, baseball, and Mickey Mouse. “And it is precisely because the Elves are such iconic figures that we must carefully vet each scenario we place them in to maintain continuity and, more importantly, to ensure that we are remaining faithful to the original, singularly winning personas that captured the country’s hearts and minds so many years ago. A love for the Elves is one of the first things Americans pass on to their children, and so for us it should be far less a burden than a great honor to preserve that legacy.” At press time, the Kellogg’s marketing department was drafting a request to the U.S. Postal Service to create a commemorative stamp featuring the Keebler Elves in front of their Hollow Tree Factory.