The Onion asked Americans why real, red-blooded men have been relegated to the dregs of society and replaced by weak-willed, feminine cucks.
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“It’s clear that if we want our struggling young boys to improve, we need more men in positions of power to look out for their interests.”
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“It used to be that a man would just silently deal with his problems, but now society forces me to testify in my vehicular homicide trial.”
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“Help! I can’t find my penis!”
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“Our parents failed us. My father never taught me how to open doors for ladies; I just learned how to open doors and had to piece the rest together myself.”
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“I’m doing my part by undermining the confidence of my daughters.”
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“The masculinity crisis is far superior to the femininity crisis. It’s just science.”
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“The complaints about masculinity being under attack are overblown. I feel just as comfortable being hateful and misogynistic as I did 10 years ago.”
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“I’m personally not in crisis. My penis is bigger than ever.”
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“I wouldn’t call the fact that my husband occasionally does the dishes now a ‘crisis’ per se.”
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“They won’t stop until I take up baking or sewing or something useful and fun like that.”
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“Everybody just needs to buy more truck nutz.”
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“We need a new war to toughen up this generation of men and turn them back into emotional black holes of alcoholism and child abuse.”
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“I don’t want some effeminate guy. I want to marry a real man who never talks to me and eventually leaves me for a 19-year-old.”
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“It’s a travesty that men don’t have purpose now that women are allowed to work.”
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“I bet it’d help if we women agreed to share some of our power.”
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“Don’t look at me. I’m an aggro lunatic.”
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“As a pathetic little cuck, I couldn’t be more excited.”
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