WASHINGTON—In a strong rebuke of the congressman’s claims that government officials invited him to orgies and offered him cocaine, several masked, visibly erect Republicans condemned Rep. Madison Cawthorn (R-NC) on Friday, calling his accusations patently false. “What Madison Cawthorn said about myself and my colleagues was totally unacceptable, and I assure you that elected officials would never participate in such disgusting, illicit activities,” said House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), who, after snorting a line of stimulants off a masked Republican’s bare chest, unleashed a loud scream, punched his lectern, and began passionately kissing and disrobing four of the representatives standing behind him. “I can promise you as a Republican who has proudly served in Congress for 15 years that obscene depravities of this kind simply do not take place in Washington. As for Cawthorn, well, mmm, ohhh. Oh baby. Yeah, that’s the spot. Yeah, yeah, keep going. Harder. Harder.” At press time, the masked, nude Republicans could not be reached for comment, as they had all passed out in a drug-induced postcoital slumber.