After years of losing young consumers to competing doll brands like Bratz and Monster High, Mattel has decided to completely make over Barbie by releasing a new line of dolls that are racially diverse, have the ability to talk, can bend their ankles, and more. Here are some features of the new Barbies:

  • Comes with blank census form so Barbie can self-identify gender and sexual orientation
  • Dolls will have the option to be either racially diverse or talk but not both
  • All speech-enabled dolls programmed with special voice recognition chip that only allows them to speak when spoken to
  • Biodegradable plastic allows Barbie’s perfect body to naturally succumb to the ravages of age
  • Realistic dry elbows
  • Extendable limbs to show that women’s appendages come in all shapes and sizes
  • Still no Jewish doll until somebody makes a fuss
  • Blonde, Caucasian models continue to be available for company to make some money