MUNCIE, IN—Saying that the experimental procedure was a complete success, doctors at Muncie’s Ball Memorial Hospital confirmed Friday that a recent medical breakthrough has provided 89-year-old Anna Goldman with an additional two years of inconveniencing her family. “We’re pleased to report that Ms. Goldman’s operation went well, allowing her to continue saddling loved ones with $40,000 in hospice bills over each of the next two years,” said Dr. Jordan Burnet, adding that, thanks to the hard work of a dedicated team of physicians, Goldman should have no trouble burdening family members with not only the obligation to visit her on weekends and holidays, but also to deal with and compensate for her steadily declining mental faculties. “The risks associated with such a new surgery were high, but Ms. Goldman pulled through, and can now look forward to spending at least the next 24 months with her increasingly fatigued and exasperated children as they shuttle her around endlessly from one medical checkup to another. This truly has given her a new, and terribly high-maintenance, lease on life.” When reached for comment, family members said they were overjoyed the surgery had slightly delayed the headache of arranging Goldman’s funeral.

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