TALLAHASSEE, FL—Explaining that the man’s lifestyle, ethnicity, and family history had all indicated a more favorable outcome, members of the medical community expressed their disappointment Tuesday after learning that Florida resident Andrew Mauston had failed to live up to his estimated life expectancy. “Public health statistics clearly specify that Mr. Mauston should have lived into his mid-70s, but instead this guy goes and has a fatal cardiac arrest at 64. Come on!” said medical researcher Mark Hutchcroft, who chastised the recently deceased man for “barely even making it” to the average life expectancy of a male lifelong smoker living below the poverty line. “He was in relatively good health and had no known indicators of cardiovascular disease? Unbelievable. God, this guy couldn’t even make it within a standard deviation of the mean, for crying out loud.” Researchers went on to relay their further exasperation with Toledo, OH resident Arthur Claymore, an overweight heavy drinker who, at 98 years old, was making them all look like idiots.
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