BRISTOL, CT—Three days after the massive bulletin board of the top 2014 NFL Draft prospects fell and pinned him to the floor of his basement, sources confirmed Thursday that an injured, severely dehydrated Mel Kiper Jr. remains trapped underneath his Big Board. “Help! Somebody, please help me! I’m stuck!” the longtime ESPN analyst reportedly said, soaked in his own urine and weakened from subsisting on small 3-by-5-inch index cards containing names of promising outside linebackers. “Oh God, I think my ribs are broken. Can anyone hear me? Please, I don’t want to die!” At press time, reports indicated that upon being discovered by his wife, Kim, Kiper was rescued by emergency crews and is currently in Bristol Hospital re-ranking the top 100 draft prospects by position.
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