Members Of Congress Who Tested Positive For Covid-19 And How They Got It

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Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY)

Tackled by cloud of Covid-19 virus after getting into a verbal altercation with it on his lawn.

Sen. Charles E. Grassley (R-IA)

Has had his body piloted by the Covid-19 virus ever since he died in February of 2020.

Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL)

Lying 14-year-old floozy claimed she just had allergies.

Rep. Michelle Steel (R-CA)

Given Covid-19 as part of a welcome package from congressional Republicans during her first week on the job.

Rep. Rick Allen (R-GA)

Just going to blame Black Lives Matter until even one person in his district asks for clarification.

Rep. Stephen Lynch (D-MA)

As the most recent lawmaker to get a Covid diagnosis, Lynch is just excited to get to see his name in a real live newspaper.

Rep. Bill Huizenga (R-MI)

Eight trips to roast beef station at jam-packed buffet.

Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT)

Got it from staying at the Capitol for long hours working on new ways to prevent 9/11 responders from receiving benefits.

Rep. David Valadao (R-CA)

It took several days for the California congressman to realize he had Covid after assuming his shortness of breath was due to routine smog-poisoning.

Sen. Tim Kaine (D-VA)

Pulled down his mask and screamed “Yippee!” while dancing and cartwheeling through a lollipop factory.

Rep. Barry Loudermilk (R-GA)

About a year of asking for it.

Sen. Rick Scott (R-FL)

Needed quick boost of conservative street cred after signaling openness to working on Biden infrastructure plan.

Rep. Pramila Jayapal (D-WA)

Huddling during the Capitol riots with a group of unmasked legislators who wanted to kill her in a different way than the rioters.

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC)

Not from Donald Trump, to his everlasting shame.

Sen Thom Tillis (R-NC)

Demanded doctors perform ultrasound of the virus before removing it from his body.

Rep. Cheri Bustos (D-IL)

Received $50,000 campaign donation from Covid lobby in exchange for promoting the virus.

Sen. Ron Johnson (R-WI)

Somehow contracted the virus even though every single person he encounters actively tries to maintain at least 10 feet of distance from him.

Rep. Ed Perlmutter (D-CO)

Who can say, honestly? Ed is a man of mystery, a one-of-a-kind enigma who entrances and mystifies by equal measure.

Rep. Madison Cawthorn (R-NC)

Madison, if you’re reading this, you’ve just tested positive for Covid-19. Please call your doctor immediately.

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX)

Became infected with Covid despite believing the virus would be eradicated by the flames from the burning cross.