Recent polls found that American men under 30 are not having sex. The Onion asked U.S. males under the age of 30 to explain why they are abstaining from sexual intercourse.
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“Waiting for my girlfriend to turn 18.”
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“A man must have money and a room of one’s own if he is to have sex.”
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“It looks stupid.”
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“I’ve had my penis in a glory hole for the last five years but no one has come by.”
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“Maybe the better question is, why does society seek to define manhood relative to whether we are or are not having sex? Why is sexual content somehow the imperative that justifies our existence? Why are we as men not allowed to define the relationship that we have with sex outside of the patriarchal gaze of our heteronormative society? Did any hot ladies get horny from me saying any of that?”
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“I cannot spare the fluids.”
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“You would think it’s because of my nickname is Ugly Shithead, but that’s actually very presumptuous of you. It’s actually because my dick is smaller than a Tic Tac.”
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“I masturbate to too much inflation porn.”
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“I highly doubt it would feel as good as a semen-encrusted sock.”
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“Too much inflation porn.”
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“I can’t find my penis.”
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“The inflation porn, yeah.”
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“I’m busy drawing inflation porn for everyone else.”
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“If the longest-running win streak ever in Dota 2 isn’t sex I don’t know what is.”
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“I’m saving all of my cum for whenever I find that one special lady.”
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“Sex? What am I, a Game Of Thrones character?”
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