Men Under 30 Explain Why They’re Not Having Sex

Men Under 30 Explain Why They’re Not Having Sex

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Recent polls found that American men under 30 are not having sex. The Onion asked U.S. males under the age of 30 to explain why they are abstaining from sexual intercourse.

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Vince Whitmer (Talent Agent)

Vince Whitmer (Talent Agent)

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“Waiting for my girlfriend to turn 18.”

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Tim Ellington (Sales)

Tim Ellington (Sales)

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“A man must have money and a room of one’s own if he is to have sex.”

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Reed Mulligan (Web Developer)

Reed Mulligan (Web Developer)

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“It looks stupid.”

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Randall Plunkett (Barber)

Randall Plunkett (Barber)

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“I’ve had my penis in a glory hole for the last five years but no one has come by.”

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Zach Pierce (Program Director)

Zach Pierce (Program Director)

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“Maybe the better question is, why does society seek to define manhood relative to whether we are or are not having sex? Why is sexual content somehow the imperative that justifies our existence? Why are we as men not allowed to define the relationship that we have with sex outside of the patriarchal gaze of our heteronormative society? Did any hot ladies get horny from me saying any of that?”

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Ben Martin (Stamp Licker)

Ben Martin (Stamp Licker)

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“I cannot spare the fluids.”

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Cary “Ugly Shithead” Fitzsimmons (Advocate For The Unattractive)

Cary “Ugly Shithead” Fitzsimmons (Advocate For The Unattractive)

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“You would think it’s because of my nickname is Ugly Shithead, but that’s actually very presumptuous of you. It’s actually because my dick is smaller than a Tic Tac.”

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Sam Little (Sous Chef)

Sam Little (Sous Chef)

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“I masturbate to too much inflation porn.”

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Manny Barron (High School Student)

Manny Barron (High School Student)

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“I highly doubt it would feel as good as a semen-encrusted sock.”

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Greg Markowitz (Investment Banker)

Greg Markowitz (Investment Banker)

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“Too much inflation porn.”

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Jeremy Philips (Cashier)

Jeremy Philips (Cashier)

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“I can’t find my penis.”

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Harry Kandinsky (Construction Worker)

Harry Kandinsky (Construction Worker)

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“The inflation porn, yeah.”

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William Caldwell (Illustrator)

William Caldwell (Illustrator)

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“I’m busy drawing inflation porn for everyone else.”

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Donald Smith (Professional Gamer)

Donald Smith (Professional Gamer)

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“If the longest-running win streak ever in Dota 2 isn’t sex I don’t know what is.”

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Theodore Grant (Yoga Instructor)

Theodore Grant (Yoga Instructor)

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“I’m saving all of my cum for whenever I find that one special lady.”

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Dustin Sobinski (Urban Planner)

Dustin Sobinski (Urban Planner)

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“Sex? What am I, a Game Of Thrones character?”

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