NEW YORK—Frantically tidying up after last night’s star-studded, Catholic-art-themed fundraiser, staff janitors reportedly rushed to remove Katy Perry from a crucifix hanging on a wall of the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s lobby Tuesday. “Come on, guys, let’s move—somebody find a pry bar so we can get these nails out of [Perry’s] palms and feet,” said custodian Demetri Caldwell, hastily ushering hungover A-listers through a back exit as tourists filed into the museum’s front entrance. “We need to finish scrubbing the room in the basement where they set those lions on Frances McDormand and Elon Musk, and someone still needs to clean up over there in the corner where they beheaded George Clooney. We won’t have time to mop all the blood off this European religious portraiture, but the Sacred Heart of Jesus is supposed to be bleeding, right?” At press time, sources confirmed janitors were rushing to clean the gift shop after a group of fourth-graders on a school trip stumbled upon an apoplectic Lana Del Rey, who was foaming at the mouth and appeared to be undergoing an exorcism.

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