Meth Den Could Really Use Some Sprucing Up

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LIVINGSTON, TN—Explaining how a few small changes would go a long way toward improving the place’s atmosphere, a group of patrons told reporters Tuesday the local meth den they frequented could really do with a good sprucing up. “Just sweeping out all the broken glass and replacing these old bloodstained rugs would make a huge difference,” said area methamphetamine user Jennifer Kinsdale, one of 18 people crammed inside the living room of the one-story house, adding that with a bit of effort, someone could also paint over all the burn marks and hang some nice framed photos over the holes that had been punched in the walls. “It wouldn’t take much. Seriously, if everyone in here picked up a couple pieces of garbage, we’d be halfway there. Then it would just be a matter of throwing away the couch that Kevin ripped all the stuffing from when he was tweaking, and maybe nailing some plywood over the side of the house that blew out when the lab in the kitchen exploded. Who knows, underneath all these empty cans, dirty clothes, discarded pipes, used condoms, raccoon droppings, and human teeth, there might even be some decent hardwood floors.” At press time, den occupants had reportedly decided to scrap the house for copper wiring and burn it down instead.