Illustration for article titled Miami Mayor Suggests Citizens May Be Able To Resume Grinding On Each Other By July 1

MIAMI—Confirming that social-distancing measures had helped curb local Covid-19 cases, Mayor Francis Suarez suggested in a press conference Monday that it was possible the people of Miami could begin grinding on one another again by the end of the month. “I know everyone’s patience is waning, but 30 additional days of self-isolation will put us in a strong position to allow rhythmic, pelvis-on-pelvis gyrations to recommence on the dance floor in time for the Fourth of July weekend,” said Suarez, who emphasized that wearing a mask and washing one’s hands remained the best weapons in the fight for all Miamians to once more get freaky in public without fear of exposure to this particular disease. “Rest assured, we are monitoring the situation closely and look forward to the day when both residents and tourists can safely back that shit up without maintaining 6 feet of distance between their buttocks and the genitals they are attempting to rub up on. With your cooperation, we can ensure a swift return to our august tradition of dry-humping one another to reggaeton favorites in this city’s world-renowned clubs, restaurants, beaches, parks, and museums.” The mayor added that those with temperatures exceeding 99.5 degrees would likely be allowed to resume grinding as well, but would be asked to do so from the confines of a suspended go-go cage.

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