A Florida principal was recently forced to resign after parents complained that the art curriculum was obscene. The Onion asked Florida parents to explain why Michelangelo’s David is porn, and this is what they said.
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“The only way anything could be that popular with such a large swath of the population is if it’s sexual and perverse.”
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“I always clear my browser history after googling Michelangelo’s David.”
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“I don’t remember anything about my life other than I awoke screaming for my son’s principal to be executed in the middle of a PTA meeting.”
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“Look, I’m not quite sure what ‘porn’ even means, so I just said I agreed. Now you’re coming after me, and I honestly don’t know what to do.”
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“All Italians are perverts.”
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“What does some 519-year-old marble man want to do with my 12-year-old son?”
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“Have you been on PornHub.com lately? It’s, like, 75% videos of sculptures created by Renaissance masters.”
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“Look, at this point I’m scared that if I don’t work myself up into a needless puritanical tizzy about every little thing I might die.”
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“He’s a nine. Nines and above are porn. Everyone knows that.”
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“Art by its very nature is up for interpretation, and I interpret David as being an obscene and salacious monument to Satan.”
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“Fuck you! You’re porn! This question is porn! My children are porn!”
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“You’re telling me the depiction of a 17-foot-tall nude guy isn’t fetish art?”
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“I consider all art besides that painting of the dogs playing poker to be incredibly pornographic.”
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“Frankly, I was offended, but I do think it’d be a little more offensive if you made David pregnant and then he lays a big egg. Jesus Christ, I’m going to blow a load just thinking about it.”
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“I can’t define pornography, but I know it when I see a video of eight sorority girls making out on my computer screen.”
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“True decent love is between a man and a woman. Not just a guy standing there alone. That’s perverse.”
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“All things are porn. The breeze. The trees. The oceans. The sun. Even our very souls are porn.”
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“The whole scene is just too erotic. Now, if that statue could ejaculate silly string, or something that could cut the erotic tension of the whole piece, that would be fine. But until Michelangelo’s David can ejaculate silly string, I can’t in good conscience allow my children to view it.”
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