Microsoft Has Revealed Master Chief’s Teeth And They Are Filthy

Illustration for article titled Microsoft Has Revealed Master Chief’s Teeth And They Are Filthy

In a jaw-dropping reveal at the Onion Gamer’s Expo that’s almost 20 years in the making, Microsoft just teased Halo Infinite by giving gamers their first-ever glimpse of Master Chief’s teeth, and let’s just say that these things are absolutely filthy!


Xbox fanboys, looks like your dreams of getting an up-close-and-personal look at the Chief are finally being fulfilled—and his dental hygiene is more upsetting than anyone could have ever predicted.

Ever since we stepped foot into the legendary Spartan’s MJOLNIR armor way back in 2001 with Halo: Combat Evolved, the single-player campaigns have always left us with the same tantalizing question: What was going on inside that helmet? Well, with this sneak peek at the yellowed, cavity-ridden teeth inside of Master Chief’s mouth, we’re finally getting an answer, albeit a viscerally disturbing one that none of us specifically requested.

Of course, there is a distinct satisfaction to looking over the Chief’s gingivitis-plagued gum line and impacted molars and realizing this is the Spartan who saved the human race from the Covenant. But as rewarding as it is for fans to finally take a gander at the pieces of decayed meat caught up in his bleeding gums and crooked teeth, all of this just raises more tantalizing questions: “Doesn’t Master Chief ever brush his teeth?”; “Has he considered braces for those repulsive things?”; and “Isn’t he bothered by his apparently severe halitosis while he’s cooped up inside that metal suit?”

At the very least, this answers how the hero known as John-117 managed to avoid seeing a dentist even once as he fought countless battles against the Flood, as well as giving gamers a great reminder of how important regular visits with their dental hygienists are. Plus, getting this close to the Chief’s mouth—no matter how repulsive—just makes us more excited than ever to get our hands on Halo: Infinite! Here’s hoping it’s worth the wait.

Until then, stay tuned to OGE for all the game reveals you could ever want.