Microsoft Vista Released

Microsoft released its new operating system, Vista, on Jan. 30. Here are some of its features:

Microsoft Word's helpful paper-clip icon now blinks at rate of normal humans

Enhanced graphics on "System Is Not Responding" pop-up window

Five new card-back designs for Solitaire

Something that Apple would never, ever dream up in a billion years

4,391 security flaws to be patched over next 15 years

Promise of broad, open-minded future or some bullshit

Lists blocked wireless connections with greater speed and accuracy

New operating system, same old Microsoft Paint