SARASOTA, FL—Lamenting that “some adorable, fluffy little bundle of fur and whiskers” seems to be in nearly every forwarded email and Facebook post nowadays, local middle-aged cat Rusty admitted to reporters today that he can’t even begin to compete with the cute kittens from the internet. “Sure, people enjoy petting me when they first see me, and I can purr all night long, but put me next to a 15-second clip of a rambunctious little tabby pouncing on a toy and there’s no way I can stack up,” said the 7-year-old Maltese cat, who added that he didn’t even want to think about how to contend with various tiny kitten memes, shareable images of kittens in a box, or startled-kitten animated .gifs. “Maybe if I were four or five years younger, my owner would take a video of me walking across the piano keyboard or arching my back and batting at my own reflection and I might make it big, but I’m too old for that now. The fact is, there are literally thousands of kittens online right now who are being more adorable than I could ever imagine, and that’s something I just have to live with.” After speaking with reporters, Rusty reportedly found himself contemplating whether he could win everyone’s attention by videotaping himself running on his owner’s treadmill, before gently reminding himself that “no, [his] time has passed.”

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