INDIANAPOLIS—As confetti streamed down during the team’s national championship celebration, Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski admitted to reporters Monday night that he would absolutely love to smack freshman guard Grayson Allen right in his precious fucking baby face. “Just looking at that dumb smirk and those chubby little boy cheeks makes me want to wind up and backhand the ever-living fuck out of him,” said Krzyzewski, adding that the entire season has been a struggle to resist walking up to the 19-year-old, seizing him by the collar of his jersey, and repeatedly pummeling his petite little chin until it’s swollen and covered in blood. “Any time that little twerp gets excited after scoring a basket, I feel the uncontrollable urge to grab him by the back of the neck and just smash his head against the court over and over and over again. I can’t believe I have to be around this goddamn kid for another three years. I mean, Christ, do you see that elementary-school crewcut he has? I want to go over there right now and strangle him with this basketball net.” Krzyzewski added that he’s currently recruiting an unbelievably irritating high school freshman who can eventually replace Allen as the team’s most unbearable little shit.

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