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Military Recruiter’s Pitch Surprisingly Upfront About How Many Civilians You Get To Kill

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HARVEY, IL—A group of high schoolers were reportedly left astonished Wednesday after a military recruiter’s pitch was surprisingly upfront about how many civilians you get to kill. “It wasn’t even hidden in there, it was, like, the second or third sentence of his reasons to enlist,” said senior Gavin McComb, adding that he and his friends hadn’t expected the vast majority of the uniformed soldier’s speech to center on the deep personal rewards of getting to indiscriminately gun down women and children. “He thanked us for coming and then immediately he was all, ‘Hey, you wanna kill some kids?’ I mean, I don’t really have any illusions about what the military does, but I kind of figured he would highlight, like, them paying your college tuition, or standing up for our freedoms, something like that. But instead he just kept listing different ways you could kill civilians. He had a powerpoint presentation with all these weapons you can use and examples of the types of people you can kill. Basically, he said, there’s no limit on how many you can kill. I figured there was at least a cap or consequences or something, but apparently not. Honestly, I found it kind of refreshing. I mean, I do want to kill some civilians. I’m pretty sure I’m going to enlist.” Attendees of the session also said they appreciated the recruiter’s candor about how joining the military had no long-term benefits.