CHELMSFORD, MA—Stating that the university deserves a boatload of multiculturalism for the investment it’s making, Leverett College officials announced this week that recently admitted minority student Jack Soto better have a pretty goddamn unique perspective if he wants a full scholarship.
Administrators for the private liberal arts college confirmed that Soto, who indicated on his application that he is of Burmese descent, needed to single-handedly broaden the worldviews of the student body and create the appearance that the institution was neck-fucking-deep in cross-cultural acceptance in order to be compensated $53,000 a year.
“If this guy wants four years of tuition, he’d better enrich the ever-living shit out of campus life,” admissions officer Bryan Collier said on behalf of the financial aid committee, adding that the 17-year-old should speak Burmese or Thai or some other language so Leverett College looked like it was embracing a fuckload of differences. “He can instruct some tribal dance, cook a traditional meal, be a political refugee, or whatever.”
“It really doesn’t matter so long as our top donors see him out on the quad providing a really goddamn rich tapestry of human life,” continued Collier.
Financial aid officers told reporters that Soto’s background as a first-generation Southeast Asian college student was “great and all,” but noted that, in order to earn a full ride, what they really needed from him were unique experiences, beliefs, and an ethnic identity that was so panoramic it would blow the current campus dialogue about interculturalism out of the fucking water.
According to Leverett College officials, for the kind of money they’re talking about, Soto would be obligated to enhance the social development of classmates the minute he steps on campus, immersing them in such a culturally enriching viewpoint that they shit inclusivity over the next four years.
“We want to see him starting the Burmese Student Association on day fucking one,” said chief financial aid officer Gena Goodwin, adding that Soto was expected to bury students under an avalanche of his culture’s traditions and heritage. “Bottom line, we should rise 10 spots on The Princeton Review’s annual list of ‘Most Diverse Colleges’ or he’ll never see a goddamn dime. That’s the deal.”
“For this to work, this kid is going to have to encourage every single student he engages with to see global citizenship in their sleep,” continued Goodwin. “He sure as shit can’t get away with reciting just one poem in his native language at the Diversity Center.”
Leverett College administrators also stipulated that the financial grant would require Soto to help build one hell of a rich heterogeneous community by appearing on the cover of the alumni magazine with a big fucking smile plastered across his face.
“We’ve got a big fat $200,000 check ready to go for a student from an underrepresented international background who can substantively enhance the educational experience and provide students with a rich, multi-fucking-faceted view of their place in the world,” said Leverett College president Warren Cronin. “If this kid’s anything like that guy we got from El Salvador a few years back who played a musical instrument made from a gourd, we here at Leverett are going to be sitting real pretty.”
“We’re hoping Jack Soto’s the student who can take us to that next damn level of multiculturalism,” Cronin added. “If he gets his photo taken for the student newspaper while wearing traditional Burmese garb, I think he very well could be.”
At press time, college officials confirmed that they had decided to use the full scholarship to lure away an affluent student from a more prestigious university so that her SAT scores would raise the average of the admitted class.