ARLINGTON, MA—Noting that from a quick glance it seemed like he’d fare all right, observers of a missing person poster confirmed Monday that the young man pictured looked like he could probably take care of himself out there. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a drag that they can’t find him, but from what I can see he’s got a pretty strong frame and I don’t think it would kill him to sleep on a park bench for a couple of nights,” said local man Drew Klause, noting that the teenager’s spry build and youthful exuberance meant he would most likely bounce back from any trauma resulting from attempted muggings or scuffles with other homeless individuals. “I remember at that age I was in peak physical condition and basically felt like I was invincible, and there’s no way I was in as good of shape as this kid is. Plus, he’s got a really kind-looking face, so I bet it wouldn’t be hard to get someone to take pity on him and give him a few bucks for a motel room.” Klause went on to admit that if it turned out the missing teen had a chemical dependency or mental health issues, he was pretty much fucked.
More from The Onion