JACKSON, MS—In an effort to revitalize the country’s geographical holdings, the state of Mississippi reportedly underwent a controlled demolition Wednesday to make way for a new high-end luxury U.S. territory. “We are excited to announce that as part of a nationwide renewal initiative, we have detonated charges throughout the Magnolia State, clearing a nearly 50,000-square-mile area that fell into disrepair many years ago,” said Interior Secretary Deb Haaland, who remarked that Mississippi had long been an underperforming asset, and so it only made financial sense to level the state and make way for a more lucrative, elite territory with the potential to contribute more to America’s bottom line. “Once the rubble has been carted away, we will be auctioning off homesteading rights to the highest bidder. Inhabitants will then be asked to pay $100,000 in annual residency dues, which will grant them access to opulent cities outfitted with all-new infrastructure, elegant restaurants created by award-winning chef David Chang, and exclusive recreational opportunities along the shore of the newly rebranded Gulf of the U.S.A.” The secretary added that because of the questionable region in which it was located, the new federal territory would be gated to prevent break-ins from residents of surrounding states.
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