CAMBRIDGE, MA—Hailing the discovery as one that would undoubtedly change the medical field forever, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Thursday that they had made a breakthrough on marionette strings that had allowed a paralyzed man to walk. “While our subject had incurred severe damage to his spinal cord, doctors were successfully able to attach long strings on his arms and legs to a large, suspended wooden cross and restore motion to all of his limbs,” said lead researcher Ken MacQuoid, adding that the team spent years building an apparatus that would allow appendage movement while also keeping the marionette strings from getting tangled. “Just a few months ago, this man couldn’t even lift one hand, but now, he can dangle from the ceiling while his entire body moves back and forth. Soon, with both more time and practice, we hope he will also be able to clap his hands, dance, and even do a backflip.” At press time, MIT had reportedly been forced to shut the project down after it was revealed that a member of the team had previously assisted the man’s movement by inserting their hand into his rectum.