The Dodgers are champions and coronavirus continues to wreck havoc on our expectations, but the 2021 MLB seasons still promises new beginnings. A clean slate, a wildfire set to burn out the underbrush of our expectations. Basically we are saying we have no idea if any of this is going to hold up in two months. Here are Onion Sports’ top 12 MLB power rankings for the start of the 2021 season.
1. Los Angeles Dodgers
The reigning World Series champs have only gotten stronger with the acquisition of the league’s most proven winner: hundreds of millions of dollars.
2. New York Yankees
They once again have a loaded lineup and expect to get a huge boost from having the worst, most insufferable assholes in the world back in their ballpark.
3. San Diego Padres
If they want a shot at the Series, Fernando Tatis Jr. must avoid the curse of MLB: The Show by patching up game-breaking technical glitches and chronic internet connectivity issues.
4. New York Mets
The Mets are hoping to take advantage of new owner Steve Cohen’s deep pockets and add power by giving each player a 50-pound, solid-gold bat this year.
5. Atlanta Braves
The impressive signings of Charlie Morton and Marcell Ozuna serve as a strong reminder that the Braves are real contenders who seriously fucked over Acuña on his contract.
6. Chicago White Sox
With World Series aspirations and a core of exciting young players, the White Sox think they have added the final piece they need by hiring a 76-year-old with a DUI.
7. Toronto Blue Jays
The George Springer signing won praise, but Toronto had an otherwise quiet offseason after GM Ross Atkins blew the rest of his budget on an NFT of José Bautista’s 2015 ALDS bat flip.
8. Minnesota Twins
We’re not sold on the team chemistry leading others to rank them seventh, and we’re not a bunch of dumb assholes who would dare put them ninth.
9. Pittsburgh Pirates
Hey, remember when they used to hang out in this spot and then lose the Wild Card Game every year? In retrospect, that was kinda fun, wasn’t it?
10. Houston Astros
Set to play in front of fans for the first time since their cheating scandal broke, the Astros players are sure to face some really mean insults that they will definitely care about and are sure to make them very sad and regret what they did.
11. St. Louis Cardinals
The Cardinals had big expectations for Dylan Carlson, one of the game’s most promising young outfield prospects in recent years. Unfortunately, after struggling in his 2020 debut, he has been confirmed as a hopeless cause that will never amount to anything.
12. Boston Red Sox
We bet they really regret putting that big, stupid fucking wall out there now that they have no one who can hit over it.