KANSAS CITY, MO—Acknowledging that she had seen all the warnings about holiday travel on the news, local mom Mary Simpson announced Tuesday that she completely understood that coming to Thanksgiving would be risky for all involved and that you didn’t love her anymore. “No, no, don’t apologize, honey—if it isn’t safe and you don’t care enough about me to make the trip, you should probably just stay home this year,” Simpson said in between audibly heavy sighs, adding that if anyone understood it was her, what with her migraines and your father’s bad knee making their last trip to visit you so difficult, though they obviously wouldn’t have missed it for the world. “I’m quite aware of the public health situation, so there’s no need to explain why you think it might be too tricky to navigate travel when you clearly have a life of your own with no room in it for a boring old lady like me. After all, we’re living in difficult times, and I’m sure the last thing you want to do right now is come see the person who gave you life and loves you more than anything in the world. I’ll just be here in this big, quiet house with your dad and no one else, if you’re saying that’s the safest way to celebrate.” Simpson went on to remark that she might as well not bother cooking a Thanksgiving meal this year, seeing as there would be far too many leftovers to deal with if you weren’t coming.
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