Mom Explains New Wildly Ill-Informed Measures To Keep Family Safe During Thanksgiving

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HOLLYWOOD, FL—Calling her dinner plan “foolproof” despite varying significantly from recommendations issued by the CDC, area mother Jill Elliott explained several new, wildly ill-informed measures Monday to keep her family safe during Thanksgiving. “I’ve been doing my research, and I think if I sit the whole family at an extra-long table, give everyone their own disposable silverware, and spray some Lysol into the air every few minutes between courses, we should be a-okay,” said Elliott, holding up several bottles of hand sanitizer in one hand and a box fan in the other while listing off various well-intentioned but completely off-base strategies for preventing the spread of coronavirus. “The second people come over, I’m going to open all the windows, take everyone’s temperature, and sit your grandparents at a separate table in the living room where there’s a fireplace, because I heard the coronavirus can’t survive heat. Also, I know we have some people flying in from out of state, and I think as long as they hug high-risk people from the side, instead of face to face, that should stop the spread.” Elliott added that even though she had a fever and a bit of a cough, she was sure she’d be over it by the time her family arrived.