NEWTON, MA—Begging her Thanksgiving guests to calm down, take a deep breath, and try to take the high road, local mother Martha Cantor urged family members this week to please refrain from fighting the turkey again this year. “Okay, everyone, I know we all have our differences, but just this once, I’d like to get through a single Thanksgiving dinner without somebody getting all worked up and screaming at the bird,” said Cantor, adding that she also hoped people would keep their drinking to a responsible level and refrain from saying mean things in an effort to get under the skin of the enormous, 25-pound Butterball. “Last year, Uncle Jim blacked out and called the turkey an ‘effing idiot,’ and the year before, Grandpa stood up, accused the turkey of being a socialist, and just about knocked the poor thing right off its serving platter. Well, this year we’re going to go around the table and each say one thing we love about the turkey. If you don’t think you can’t manage that, then maybe you should ask yourself why you bothered to travel here for Thanksgiving in the first place. This is what the holiday is all about.” At press time, a crying Cantor reportedly called 911 after her enraged son tore into the turkey, and a piece of it lodged in his throat, nearly choking him to death.
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