If you’re unable to leverage your spawn for cash, then frankly, your kid’s probably an uggo. The Onion asked momfluencers how they defend using their children for clicks, and this is what they said.
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“Until child labor laws are significantly more relaxed, I’d love to hear a better idea for how to extract money from these little shits.”
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“I worried at first, but then I realized I don’t like my children very much.”
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“It’s a parent’s duty to prepare their children for a lifetime of exploitation by people in positions of power.”
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“Sorry, but my weird-looking dog wasn’t getting it done.”
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“When they’re older they’ll thank me or completely cut me out of their lives, and either would make a great post.”
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“Someone’s got to provide for my daughter. It might as well be her.”
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“The kids are still young and stupid enough to have no idea what I’m doing.”
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“It’s worth it to know that I’m helping my thousands of followers feel comparatively inadequate.”
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“If my 1-year-old isn’t happy with their working conditions they can talk to me themselves.”
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“To be fair, I only use the attractive one.”
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‘We’re just trying to set an example of how to be a healthy, happy, profitable family.”
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“The bond between a mother and her corporate sponsor is sacred.”
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“I’m tired of being judged. I don’t go around telling other moms how to exploit their children.”
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“Who else is going to look at my family photos? Me?”
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“Children are still small enough to fit on a whole phone screen. Once you become an adult, you’re too big.”
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“I’m not forcing my kids to do anything, but I’m definitely taking advantage of their undeveloped brains while coercing them.”
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“Just because you have children doesn’t mean you have to give up on your awful, vapid dreams.”
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“You think I’d get a sponsorship from TheBump.com on my own merit? I’m boring as fuck.”
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