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Monsanto Investor Removes Wedding Ring Before Taking Meeting With Tall, Busty Celery

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ST. LOUIS—Quickly checking his hair in the mirror and smelling his breath before she arrived, Monsanto investor George Reese reportedly removed his wedding ring Thursday night before taking a meeting with a tall, busty celery stalk. “Well, well, well, there she is—the most beautiful genetically modified stalk of perfectly ripe Pascal celery I have ever seen,” said Reese, before looking the pouty, voluptuous plant up and down, taking a large swig of his drink, running his fingers through her leaves, and gently placing his hand on her long, fibrous stem. “I know this is supposed to be a business meeting, but you’re so much more beautiful than the photo I saw on your seed packet. When I came here, I thought I was just going to stay a few nights and purchase some boring old industrial crops. I never thought I would have met the most amazing female vegetable specimen on God’s green earth. Plus, you’ve got a four-week shelf life, bug resistance, and an amazing rack to boot? Cheers.” At press time, sources confirmed the voluptuous celery threw a drink in Reese’s face after going through his wallet while he was in the bathroom and finding a family portrait of him with a giant rutabaga and two tiny turnips.