NEW YORK—In an effort to reduce the spread of the highly transmissible Covid Delta variant, more cities around the nation have reportedly enacted measures this week requiring residents to root around in their bag looking for their vaccine card until the bartender feels bad and caves. “With this virulent strain of the virus being particularly dangerous indoors, it’s more crucial than ever that residents open their backpack or purse and shuffle some items around looking for their vaccination record card until the server just takes pity on them and lets them order,” said Health Commissioner Howard Zucker, telling reporters that the minor inconvenience of patrons dumping out their personal items on the bar in a vain attempt to locate their vaccine card would help ensure that everyone could socialize without fear of contracting the virus. “Fortunately, most vaccine sites also provide users with a digital vaccination card, which they can try to find by typing different words into their email search bar or downloading the CVS app until the bartender gets sick of standing there and decides to believe them.” Zucker added that unvaccinated residents could still access outdoor venues as well as bars and restaurants where they just don’t give a shit.
