Illustration for article titled Moron Stepfather Takes Care Of Child Who Doesn’t Have His Genetic Material

FALMOUTH, ME—Shaking their heads at the dense numbskull’s completely idiotic priorities, sources confirmed Friday that moron stepfather Jeffrey Ryan, 36, is taking care of a 3-year-old child who does not even possess his genetic material. “Tim is Meg’s child from her first marriage, but I honestly think of him as my own son,” said the vacuous simpleton, whose low-functioning brain cannot grasp that he is wasting precious time and money on feeding, clothing, and looking after a boy who does not share his DNA and will do nothing to further his bloodline. “I actually see some of myself in the little guy [and must be a complete imbecile to spend my days raising what is, effectively, a parasitic stranger who seeks only to leech off of my resources for his own genealogical gain]. I just want to give him the best life I can.” At press time, the dimwitted nimrod was reportedly tearing up while reading The Giving Tree to a boy who, after his death, will leave him with a wholly barren biological legacy.

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