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Fraternity hazing: We swear he was dead when he got here, officer.
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Eaten by grizzly when swimming upstream to spawn: Thousands of Alaskans die every year while making the treacherous journey back to the riverbed in which they were born to spawn a new generation.
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Air conditioning wave: Hundreds of Phoenix residents die every summer when deadly air conditioning waves reduce indoor temperatures to as low as 50 degrees.
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Toddler with a shotgun: Shot hundreds after finding a gun in his mother’s closet and stumbling around the state.
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Liposuction accidentally sucks out internal organs: An all-too-common death in the physique-obsessed Golden State.
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Avalanche: That’s what you get for loudly opening a can of beer on the slopes.
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The maid: It was the maid! It was the maid the whole time!
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Saddest autoerotic asphyxiation you’ll ever see: God, their pathetic frail bodies, their small gray penises still clutched in their desperate claws, yearning for even a moment—a single moment—of joy or release in their miserable lives.
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Sucked into the propellers of an airboat: Unfortunate how common it is for residents to surface from the waters of the Everglades, only to have their head chopped off by the spinning propellers of an airboat.
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Choking on peach pits: Exasperated health officials are really out of ideas for how to convince residents to not eat these fucking things.
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Carried off by seagulls: Where they take people is anyone’s guess. But one thing is certain: they never come back.
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Blunt potato trauma: Idahoans are hit and killed by potatoes in the thousands, and many never even see it coming.
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Terminal beef: Illinois residents rarely live six months after receiving this diagnosis.
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Crucifixion: Whether you’re a thief or a messiah, everyone gets nailed to a cross eventually.
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Whatever it is, the corpse isn’t found for weeks: Cancer, opioid overdose, heatstroke—no matter the cause, there’s no chance the body gets found until it smells so bad that the neighbor comes over to check.
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Horniness: Many Kansas residents ejaculate so infrequently that their testicles simply explode.
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Trampled by derby horses while trying to retrieve big hat that blew off in wind: It was custom!!
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FEMA: Responsible for countless injuries and deaths.
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Tainted bisque: Bisque that is bought off the street and laced with fentanyl kills too many Mainers to count.
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[Redacted]: [Redacted]
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Ending up at Boston University: It’s fine, but it’s not Harvard. It’s not where your father went and his father and his father, is it? So, what’s the point of living at all?
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Riding on auto plant assembly line to see if it turns you into a car: Doesn’t work.
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Kindness: All murders are committed with a smile and an apology.
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Feline syphilis: Sex education in the state is even worse than you think.
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Archquakes: The St. Louis Arch’s violent tremors have destroyed the city dozens of times.
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Impaled by mountain: Though it takes millions of years, it’s an absolutely brutal way to go.
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Whatever’s easiest: No need to make a fuss, just plain old heart attack or diabetes is just fine.
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Raising hand during magic show: Vanished by David Copperfield and never seen again.
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Diving headfirst into quarry without checking first to see if there’s any water in there: Live free or die.
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Sheer stupidity: These fucking idiots are always walking into traffic and shit.
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Hot peppers: Hot! Too hot!
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Sat on by large man on subway car: Always be aware of your surroundings.
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Low and slow cooking: BBQ accounts for thousands of fall-off-the-bone juicy North Carolinian corpses each year.
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Jack the Ripper: Guy is still around apparently, and he’s cleaning up in North Dakota.
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Failure to heed Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame security personnel: Attempt to touch Angus Young’s schoolboy outfit at your own peril.
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Dying is illegal here: The state’s restrictive dying laws have forced many Oklahomans to leave the state to die, a privilege low income residents don’t have.
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Assisted suicide: You legalize it, and just like that, they’re hooked.
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Eagles’ wins: Their last victory wiped out half the population of Philadelphia.
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Oxygen deprivation: There’s just too many people in a state that small for everyone to breathe at once.
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North Carolina: South Carolina’s northern neighbor frequently collapses through its shared border, crushing hundreds of residents each time.
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Turning to stone: An often fatal condition that took the lives of Presidents Roosevelt, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Washington.
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Lost in Dolly Parton’s wig: It can be weeks, months, or even years before rescuers find the remains of someone lost in the dense blonde strands.
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Vegetables: Though not necessarily fatal if cooked in bacon fat, generally speaking the consumption of dark leafy greens is considered a major cause of preventable death in the state.
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Drinking single sip of decaf coffee: The caffeine rush of one single sip of decaf coffee is enough to kill 10 mormons.
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Wrong size Patagonia fleece: Linked to over 200 strangulation deaths per year.
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Knowing too much: You’re going to need to come with us.
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Bezos decides to have you killed: Though it’s all a game to the Amazon founder, the death toll is very real.
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Coal Bites: Some coal is harmless, but many species of lumps carry a deadly neurotoxin.
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Just one more drink: Uh oh. He’s not waking up. Well, back to the party!
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Accidentally falling into geyser, getting shot out 300 feet into the air, landing safely on soft surface, only to realize soft surface is litter of grizzly cubs: Easily preventable if you just obey the park rules.
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