Most Common Issues Men Bring Up In Therapy

Most Common Issues Men Bring Up In Therapy

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Though it’s excessively rare, men do actually sometimes recognize that they have emotional issues and then seek to rectify them. When men attend therapy, here are the most common issues they bring up.

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Dad Died Or Whatever

Dad Died Or Whatever

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Not a huge deal, but if their dad just died that week they might want to shoot the shit about it for a sec.

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Mistress Is Being Needy

Mistress Is Being Needy

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Therapists often help men implement boundaries with the woman they’ve decided to ruin your marriage with.

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Intrusive Thoughts About Fighting Animals

Intrusive Thoughts About Fighting Animals

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Men often find it hard to focus due to obsessive thoughts about their ability to defeat various species of wildlife in hand-to-hand combat.

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Regis Envy

Regis Envy

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Eventually, every male mentions their envy of Regis Philbin.

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The Lingering Sense The Knicks Will Never Get Better

The Lingering Sense The Knicks Will Never Get Better

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While a rational fear, talking through the ups and downs can help.

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Can’t Get Comfortable

Can’t Get Comfortable

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Such a weird couch or chair thing, whatever you call it.

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Giraffes

Giraffes

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Men hate them, they don’t understand them, and they feel mocked by their height.

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Putting The Handle Of A Gun In Their Mouth

Putting The Handle Of A Gun In Their Mouth

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It can be difficult to talk about suicide, but a therapists can help men figure out which end of the gun to use to blow their brains out.

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Perpetual Oozing

Perpetual Oozing

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Many men can’t cope with their feelings of a purple, viscous, sludge pouring nonstop out of their orifices.

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What To Do For Lunch

What To Do For Lunch

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Hunger is often misdiagnosed in men as something requiring the help of a licensed therapist.

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Why The Mets Always Choke In The Playoffs Despite Their Talented Bullpen

Why The Mets Always Choke In The Playoffs Despite Their Talented Bullpen

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These unanswerable existential questions are especially difficult for men to grapple with.

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Significant Other Has Incompatible Mario Kart Character

Significant Other Has Incompatible Mario Kart Character

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One half of the couple playing as Bowser while the other plays as Toad could be indicative of larger issues that could lead to divorce down the line.

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Desire To Win Approval Of Bruce Springsteen

Desire To Win Approval Of Bruce Springsteen

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Men often build their whole life around getting just one kind word from the rock icon and are devastated that it never arrives.

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Smart House (1999)

Smart House (1999)

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Most men in therapy deeply relate to the film Smart House, which follows a boy genius who is so desperate to stop his single father from dating that he creates and programs a smart home to be his surrogate mother.

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Girlfriend Resistant To Gaslighting

Girlfriend Resistant To Gaslighting

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Therapy can help men pinpoint new and creative ways to manipulate the women closest to them.

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Being Bullied for Having Enormous Penis

Being Bullied for Having Enormous Penis

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Therapists understand that being called “horse dick” for five years can really destroy a man’s self-esteem.

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Therapist Keeps Talking While Game Is On

Therapist Keeps Talking While Game Is On

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Men absolutely hate it when therapists ask about their relationship with their parents right when the big game is on.

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Succeeding In Battle

Succeeding In Battle

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Most men are insecure about their lancing prowess, and many of those same men tend towards a corrosive lifestyle of performance-enhancing potions and spells.

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This Nothing Like The Sopranos

This Nothing Like The Sopranos

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When does therapy start getting juicy like in the show?

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Constant Sense of Sadness Due to Modern Society’s Contradictory Messaging About Masculinity

Constant Sense of Sadness Due to Modern Society’s Contradictory Messaging About Masculinity

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Have they tried booze?

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Being Conditioned From A Young Age To Equate Vulnerability With Weakness

Being Conditioned From A Young Age To Equate Vulnerability With Weakness

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Many men suffering from toxic masculinity learn through therapy that they need to stop being little bitches and grow a pair.

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Frustration Over Mandated Counseling After Vehicular Manslaughter Conviction

Frustration Over Mandated Counseling After Vehicular Manslaughter Conviction

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You drunkenly kill one guy with your car and suddenly everyone thinks you’re crazy.

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Wife Won’t Shut The Fuck Up

Wife Won’t Shut The Fuck Up

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It’s good to seek professional help when the old bitch is on the rag.

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Not Having Any Success Following Women Into Dark Alleys

Not Having Any Success Following Women Into Dark Alleys

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It’s hard for creepy men to find any romantic prospects.

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Forming an E7#9 Guitar Chord

Forming an E7#9 Guitar Chord

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You have to use all your fingers to do the chord, and if you can’t do it, you can’t play ‘Purple Haze’ the right way.

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The Amish

The Amish

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Why don’t they just use electricity? Who could it possibly hurt? These questions haunt all men.

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Straight-Up Yes Or No On Whether To Commit Suicide

Straight-Up Yes Or No On Whether To Commit Suicide

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Skip the psychobabble, and let’s just have a thumbs-up or down.

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You’ve made it this far...

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