Most Common Questions Sex Therapists Get Asked

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With an increasing number of people seeking professional help to address intimacy issues, The Onion examines the most common questions that sex therapists get asked.

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“This session comes with a happy ending, right?”

Be cool, man. It does, but you’re supposed to talk in code.

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“Does it make you uncomfortable if I talk about kissing and hugging?”

Ewww—yes!

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“How often is this couch cleaned?”

What do you think the tarp is for?

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“Is God real?”

Yes, and he’s always having sex.

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“Will I die from being too horny?”

Probably not, but if so, sex therapists also train extensively in end-of-life care.

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“Have you ever had sex?”

Every sex therapist is required to put in at least 1,000 hours of sex experience to earn their degree.

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“Maybe you and I should have sex so my wife can see what she’s doing wrong?”

It’s important to remember the sex therapist is a seasoned professional, and therefore should always make the first move.

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“Do you accept my insurance?”

Your insurance doesn’t even cover regular therapy.

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“Oh my God. What came out of my penis? What is that?”

No matter how old you are, watching semen fly out of your penis will never get less scary.

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“Do you validate parking?”

They should put up a sign or something if they’re sick of hearing this one.

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“Can a Fleshlight be used to store soup?”

Lots of people in sex therapy run out of Tupperware. It’s perfectly normal.

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“My penis gets too hard—could that be because of Zweibel-brand Virility Supplements?”

Sex therapists are happy to answer that those who navigate to store.TheOnion.com are more likely to get painfully hard through Zweibel Magnum Supplements and that their erection could cause their girlfriend to explode.

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“How’s my ticker looking, doc?”

You’re paying her $200 per hour. Might as well get some medical advice thrown in for free.

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“I’ve heard that confidence is key and it’s all about attitude in the bedroom. Are these the best ways to drive men wild?”

No, you fucking dipshit. It’s all about taking control and paying attention to the ears.

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“Should all this crying be turning me on?”

Definitely! Next question.

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“I want to put my penis inside a poppy seed bun, top it with chili and diced onions, and feed it to a raccoon. Am I normal?”

Everyone has sexual fantasies about feeding their penis to woodland critters.

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“Can you dead-lift a Ford F-150?”

Not exactly sure why so many people feel the need to ask their sex therapists about this, but it’s useful information to have nonetheless.

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“I’m a baby in my universe. I’ll live forever.”

Um, is that a question?

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“Do you have sex with your clients?”

You’re thinking of a psychologist.

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“Can I tell you all the animals I’ve had sex with?”

Be warned, this is not covered by therapist-client confidentiality. If you say anything other than human or donkey, your therapist is legally required to tell the authorities.

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“My penis is anthropomorphic. Is that normal?”

Big eyes, beady eyes, top hat and cane, or a pair of Groucho Marx glasses—there’s no right way for an anthropomorphic penis to look.

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“It’s the sex?”

It’s the sex.

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Most Common Questions Sex Therapists Get Asked

“This session comes with a happy ending, right?”

“This session comes with a happy ending, right?”

“Does it make you uncomfortable if I talk about kissing and hugging?”

“Does it make you uncomfortable if I talk about kissing and hugging?”

“How often is this couch cleaned?”

“How often is this couch cleaned?”

“Is God real?”

“Is God real?”

“Will I die from being too horny?”

“Will I die from being too horny?”

“Have you ever had sex?”

“Have you ever had sex?”

“Maybe you and I should have sex so my wife can see what she’s doing wrong?”

“Maybe you and I should have sex so my wife can see what she’s doing wrong?”

“Do you accept my insurance?”

“Do you accept my insurance?”

“Oh my God. What came out of my penis? What is that?”

“Oh my God. What came out of my penis? What is that?”

“Do you validate parking?”

“Do you validate parking?”

“Can a Fleshlight be used to store soup?”

“Can a Fleshlight be used to store soup?”

“My penis gets too hard—could that be because of Zweibel-brand Virility Supplements?”

“My penis gets too hard—could that be because of Zweibel-brand Virility Supplements?”

“How’s my ticker looking, doc?”

“How’s my ticker looking, doc?”

“I’ve heard that confidence is key and it’s all about attitude in the bedroom. Are these the best ways to drive men wild?”

“I’ve heard that confidence is key and it’s all about attitude in the bedroom. Are these the best ways to drive men wild?”

“Should all this crying be turning me on?”

“Should all this crying be turning me on?”

“I want to put my penis inside a poppy seed bun, top it with chili and diced onions, and feed it to a raccoon. Am I normal?”

“I want to put my penis inside a poppy seed bun, top it with chili and diced onions, and feed it to a raccoon. Am I normal?”

“Can you dead-lift a Ford F-150?”

“Can you dead-lift a Ford F-150?”

“I’m a baby in my universe. I’ll live forever.”

“I’m a baby in my universe. I’ll live forever.”

“Do you have sex with your clients?”

“Do you have sex with your clients?”

“Can I tell you all the animals I’ve had sex with?”

“Can I tell you all the animals I’ve had sex with?”

“My penis is anthropomorphic. Is that normal?”

“My penis is anthropomorphic. Is that normal?”

“It’s the sex?”

“It’s the sex?”

You’ve Made It This Far...

You’ve Made It This Far...