Most Controversial Statements By CPAC Speakers

“You can use my head as an eraser if you rub the paper hard enough.”

“America’s healthcare system is long overdue for some sort of rewards program for frequent visitors. Or they should at least consider honoring punch cards from other countries’ hospitals.”

“Teddy. Tedzo. The Tarantula. T-Bone, of course. Anything, really, to get you to stop calling me Theodore Chode Boy.”

“Hey, hands off Nestor. If you want a suspiciously attractive Cuban son, you’re going to have to adopt your own.”

“I call my girlfriend ‘Mommy,’ and thanks to the First Amendment, there isn’t anything she can do to stop me.”

“I’m not a journalist. I’m not a politician. I’m just an average woman who saw gay people existing and decided to do something about it.”

“I am not bothered by the allegations against CPAC chair Matt Schlapp. Matt is a good man, and I would let him grope my son if he wanted to.”

“Enough is enough. Everyone who was not born here must leave immediately. I’ll go last, though.”

“I killed a guy with my car once. Or at least I think I did. Didn’t check to see if he was still alive, but at the speed I was going…”

“My papa was an EBT card. My mama was a raccoon who swallowed a heroin needle.”

“If I could ask you all to please turn your cell phones off and stop calling the police on me for the remainder of my speech, I’d really appreciate it.”

“Nobody fucks like Mike Braun.”

“Can we wrap this panel up early? I’m running late for my abortion.”

“I am here to request a wife. I have a wife, but I would like a second wife. There are many wife types here, and I am interested in a wifing.”

“All right, girls only get five seconds to talk, so I’ll make this quick. Blacks and whites should be segregate—”

“We need to build up the Republican bench. I see a lot of young Republicans here who haven’t even started a company of mercenaries who slaughtered unarmed Iraqis, and that needs to change.”

“For the parents in the crowd, the daycare is located in room 1506 at the downtown Marriott. Say you’re a friend of Mr. Gaetz, if they ask.”

“Hello, Hollywood, and thank you for inviting me to the Oscars.”

“I miss Gavin.”

“[bellowed] Harshbarger.”

“Hold on, there, buddy. You have to check in at the genitals table for a wristband first.”

“Wow, a speaker at CPAC. Pretty incredible, right? Guess Freaky Lauren isn’t such a freak after all, huh? All these important people seem to think I’m cool enough to talk at CPAC. Maybe everyone I knew growing up were the freaks? They’re the freaks. Not me.”

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