After New York Attorney General Letitia James filed a civil lawsuit against Donald Trump and three members of his family, The Onion launched an investigation to discover what other crimes were committed by Trump’s children.
If Ivanka Trump is guilty of anything, it’s being a feminist hero and standing up for powerful, unapologetic girl bosses everywhere, you disgusting, sexist bigot.
Donald Trump Jr.
Jaywalking in broad daylight in downtown Brunswick, ME during a visit in 1995. That’s right! We saw you, Mr. Trump. You thought you could get away with it, didn’t you? Thought no newspaper would be diligent enough to follow around a 19-year-old son of a real estate mogul during a vacation. Wrong. Our journalists were watching. Five of them, to be precise. They were watching when you were 4 years old and walked out of an FAO Schwarz with a stolen Playmobil figurine, too. You think the whole goddamn world is your little toy, don’t you? Not with us watching, it isn’t.
Just existed—that’s all he had to do to break the law in the eyes of the liberals. They don’t even want you to live in this country any more. That’s all it takes to make them hate you. That and mishandling millions of dollars in funds from your charity. Those two things, and they will call for your destruction. And knowingly overvaluing assets by lying to the bank. Those three little things—and attempting to overturn a democratic election—and suddenly you’re so evil you shouldn’t even be allowed to exist. God, they’re insufferable, aren’t they?
This little-known child of Donald Trump broke the law by trying to fight back against her own father when he smothered her at the age of 9.
Murdered Barron in cold blood, then blamed it on Barron.
Obstructing an officer attempting to arrest her for an open container.
Bribery for attempting to pay off the officer she was obstructing from attempting to arrest her for an open container.
Cyberbullying for publicly posting the address of and encouraging violence against the officer who rejected her bribe for dropping the obstruction charge against her for the open container.
Shoplifting for stealing several items from a local Home Depot to build a massive intimidating statue on the lawn of the officer who rejected her bribe for dropping the obstruction charge against her for the open container.
Forgery for creating several fake documents with the officer’s purported signature detailing cheating on his wife and threatening the governor after she was let out on bail for shoplifting to intimidate the officer who rejected her bribe for dropping the obstruction charge against her for open container.
Child abandonment for abducting the children of the officer after her forgery scheme caused the officer to end up in court for child endangerment in a document she forged and then leaving the children in the desert and driving away after her forgery, shoplifting, cyberbullying, bribery, and obstructing an officer schemes didn’t work.
Vehicular manslaughter when she went back to get the children she’d abandoned in the desert in order to take them to Mexico and hold them hostage but she accidentally backed over one and it died.
’Dun gon and stoled a mule from the sheriffs office!
Donald Trump Jr.
Caught trespassing on multiple properties in New York, D.C., and Florida in an unsolicited attempt to spend holidays with his father.
The Golden State Killer
Perhaps one of Trump’s most controversial children, the Golden State Killer is accused of raping and murdering dozens of women in California between 1976 and 1986.
It’s a crime for anyone that tall to not be interested in volleyball.
A single-celled spermatozoa of Donald Trump’s unfertilized seed is suspected to be the mastermind behind a multinational money laundering scheme accused of hiding billions in blood money in offshore Russian accounts.
Committing a blatant fashion crime, Ivanka once wore maroon nail polish with a red dress.
It’s important to maintain balanced coverage in this slideshow about Trump’s children by noting that she used a private email server for official public communications rather than using official State Department email accounts, as recommended.
Jeffrey Dahmer Trump
Used his status as a Trump to lure in and murder gay teenage boys in the ’70s and ’80s.
Not a crime per se, but objectively weird to sit on your dad’s lap as an adult woman.
Ate all the damn bananas!
Donald Trump Jr.
He’s just super busted looking. Probably smells like shit, too. There has to be some law against that.
Protesting the Keystone XL Pipeline.