With the midterm elections less than a month away, politicians across America are scrambling to convince voters they’re slightly less worse than their opponent. The Onion highlights the most important races of the 2022 midterms.
Ted Budd vs. Cheri Beasley (Senate, North Carolina): A Beasley victory would give Democrats the Senate majority they need to text supporters several times a day demanding donations to save the country.
Greg Abbott vs. Beto O’Rourke (Governor, Texas): Abbott surged in the polls after shipping O’Rourke to New York in a bus.
Bryan Thomas vs. Sydney Paulman (Condo Association President, 14328 West Ridgeway Ave): This high-stakes election will determine the fate of the building’s laundry facilities for generations to come.
John Fetterman vs. Mehmet Oz (Senate, Pennsylvania): If Oz wins, he’ll become the first Muslim senator in U.S. history, a fact the GOP is hiding as best they can.
Ron DeSantis vs. Charlie Crist (Governor, Florida): After an immigration scandal and a poorly handled hurricane response, incumbent DeSantis will try to squeeze in one or two more huge disasters before winning in November.
Katie Hobbs vs. Kari Lake (Governor, Arizona): Win or lose, the Republican Lake has vowed to loudly contest the results.
Ron Johnson vs. Mandela Barnes (Senate, Wisconsin): The outcome of this race is widely expected to determine which party controls this Senate seat.
Dianne Feinstein vs. Death (Senate, California): Could go down to the wire.
Raphael Warnock vs. Herschel Walker (Senate, Georgia): Considered a bellwether race for determining whether it’s really worth continuing with this country at all.