Whether you believe in aliens or not, humans have reported terrifying encounters with unidentified flying objects since the dawn of time. Here are some of the most shocking sightings that The Onion has sourced from historical records.
New York, 1927
Babe Ruth pointed his bat directly up to the sky and then blasted a fly ball that brought down a small alien vessel straight onto Yankee Stadium.
Howland Island, 1937
Amelia Earhart is shot down by God after displaying unfeminine hubris to believe women could fly.
Mysterious debris discovered in the New Mexico desert kickstarts a series of theories and events that would eventually lead to the dissolution of formative pop-punk band Blink-182.
Mount Rainier, 1947
Civilian pilot Kenneth Arnold thought he had seen a UFO until he realized he was just flying his plane alongside a very long mirror.
The Moon, 1969
Aliens from the Milky Way Galaxy nearly incinerate Neil Armstrong after he illegally entered lunar airspace.
Yep, this was definitely some kind of UFO and completely unrelated to any CIA operation code-named Desert Viper.
Close Encounters Of The Third Kind, 1977
With a gross of more than $300 million, this is considered by far the most profitable UFO sighting in history.
New York City, 1979
Thousands of horrified New Yorkers contacted the U.S. military after waking up to find enormous versions of Snoopy, Mickey Mouse, and Kermit the Frog floating down the Central Park West on Christmas day.
It was later disproved after scientists discovered aliens fucking hate potatoes.
San Antonio, 1987
A local toddler who refused to eat his vegetables reported an unidentified flying object had spent all morning attempting to shovel broccoli into his mouth.
Brotherhood Of The Cosmos, 1989
Deep down, no one was more surprised than the members of this cult, who never actually thought the mothership was going to show up.
13,000 Belgian citizens got together to make sure their stories are straight when lying to officials about seeing multiple unidentified glowing objects in the sky.
San Diego, 1992
While dozens of residents reported a searing pain in their skull while staring at this mysterious floating light, the military later revealed it was just the sun.
New York City, 2001
Early reports of two unidentified flying objects heading toward the World Trade Center were quickly updated with much, much worse reports.
Over There, Just Now
Did you see that? Tell me you saw that!
Workers at O’Hare Airport reported the appearance of a large saucer-shaped object before informing it that it’s journey to Phoenix, AZ would be delayed due to weather.
Fort Collins, 2009
Aliens were actually pretty happy that Balloon Boy took the fall for this one.
Weather Balloon Convention, 2011
Okay, with this one, they were just fucking with us.
San Francisco, 2017
An aircraft of unknown origin streaked back and forth across the sky, trailing a banner that prophetically foretold incredible deals on Amazon’s Prime Day.
Colorado Springs, 2081
Buckle up because this is when the real one will happen.